Punking the Punkin' - Wife Punking 101

Well the imperfect Christian is a child of God no matter of his short comings. However, he is also the same child of God, that same imperfect Christian, that likes to play jokes on people too. The imperfect Christian has his own email, both personal and work to attend to, but now he also has the email, and social pages of a very talented group called, "Voices Of Inspiration" to manage as well. With that said let's go to Sunday evening approximately 7:30PM.

The imperfect one went to the Voices Of Inspirations Faithbook, I mean Facebook page. While he was there he saw that his best friend and lovely bride was online. The imperfect one does not chat much on Facebook so he never has his IM open. However, on the VOI page it was. He wrote an IM (Instant Message for the non-Im'ers) to his bride as if he was the Pastor, and group director. The imperfect one chose his wording carefully, and deliberately so he could emulate the pastor. He told her how blessed she was to have the imperfect Christian for a husband, and how much the group wished he'd sing with them. He told her how much the group loved the imperfect Christian, and needed her too. She replied with how wonderful her husband was, and how she thought he had a wonderful voice, and to pray for them. The imperfect one replied in perfect imperfection! He said that as the pastor he always thought of them, and lifted them before the Lord daily. He also said that imperfect Christian spoke of how much he loved his bride, and that the imperfect Christian said that she had a lovely voice too, but would not use it. That the imperfect one would like for her to be with him always, and at every rehearsal, and wanted her to take on a bigger roll in their ministry. Then continuing on as the pastor, the imperfect one said, you should come to every rehearsal, we miss you when you're not here. She thanked the pastor, or so she thought, and then said "Yeah right, he lied to you about my being able to sing, though." Then she said that she looked forward to the next rehearsal, and thanked him again. Polite little booger isn't she. The imperfect one then said, well Mrs. Pastor will be looking for me so I had better go, church is out now, and I need to get home to my queen. Take care and tell the imperfect one that we love him, and know that we love you too! The imperfect Christian's bride then said, thank you take care, and I will tell him that you send your love.

The tired eyed, beauty of a woman walks into the bedroom that she shares with the imperfect Christian, and begins to tell him about what the pastor had said. The imperfect Christian then quoted a line or two, and she looked at him like no, he said... then she thought about it, and the imperfect one smiled, and she turned to walk from the room and the imperfect one grabbed her and hugged her, and said, "I love you, and should have played that one out a little more, and said something either really bad about the imperfect one, or played a favor for him!" Here are some classic play your pastor prank lines... "Has he mentioned a haircut, cause a Brown man loses his mind when he loses his hair. Samsung in the Bible, oh yeah, he was a brotha, and look at how many people he took out when he tore that shopping mall down!" Here's another one: "Pray for him Mrs. Imperfect-Christian cause he said that the Portuguese have to shave their toenails after a certain time frame... I'm telling you, you need to watch that brotha!"

Yeah I think it could've gotten even more interesting if I had played my cards right. Am I getting too soft... am I slipping!? Nah, she just does me like that! Welcome to Christian Wife Punking 101!

Until the next Punking of the Punkin's... Peace, Blessings, and Joy... that real PB&J

Pour Some Sugar On Me

I had awakened and early on Saturday morning, and the days of my being able to crawl into bed with my mom, and pull her eyelids were gone. My attempting such a feat as a teen would land me, as Fred G. Sanford used to say, “Five across the lips,” while shaking his fist at Lamont. Well my mom began dating a fellow that was sort of a bully, and not very kind to put it lightly. And he had been at our house a lot, and the more time you get to spend with people the more you learn about them. He had recently lost his job, started drinking, and was sponging off of my mother. Mom finally saw that he was not the same fellow that she had first met, and asked him to leave. It was not a pleasant ordeal needless to say. But there was one bright spot in his being there. It was another life lesson for me, and has made me a better father, and helped me in the prank business as well!

Our bully had decided to go out for a run bright and early on the Saturday morning that set me off. What set me off was the fact that when he returned he ate the last of my Rice Chex cereal! He just snarled at me, like what will you do about it! Did I mention that he had lost his job? Yeah I thought so. Well I am a man that believes restitution should be paid in full. I am also a very patient soul when it comes to payment, receiving and giving if need be. Well it is better to give than to receive, and it was my turn to give. You can’t eat a brotha’s Chex and then punk him out like that! Most of all you don’t treat a Mama’s boy’s mama with such disrespect! He never gave her money, and he never cooked one meal for her!

Well our friend the bully again was there every day that following week, including the weekend. He went to the cupboard to find the cereal that was purchased without any contributions from his hand, and poured a Jethro Bodine sized bowl of Chex. Used my imperfect Christian Jethro Bowl in the deal again, and my favorite spoon! Did I tell you that he didn’t have a job, and that he hadn’t paid for any of the food that he was consuming!? I did, my bad, OK on with the facts.

He got the milk out of the fridge, again the milk that he had spent nary a dime on, and filled the bowl. Then he grabbed the sugar bowl, and put about five table spoons full on his larger than life bowl of cereal. He sat down and took a bite. Of course I had to stick around because I had grown to be a rather testy teenager. My Granddaddy told me that it took a man to dish out a beat down, and more of a man to stay in the fight and take one. Well I wasn’t going to miss this one, and was willing to take the beat down! He yelled through the house like the house was on fire and told my mom that the cereal was bad. A grown man whining to the woman of the house, the one that he was sponging off of, and had the nerve to wake her and tell her his cereal was bad. I would like to punch him in his grill to this day, for the way he treated my mama! Lord forgive me for imperfect, and unrighteous thoughts.

My mother came out to check on him. He was worse than a two year old, and said, “This cereal is no good.” My mother coming to his rescue began to investigate the crime scene. She checked the milk first. “It’s not out of date, it smells ok,” she took a sip, “it tastes ok.” So then she took some cereal out of the box, “The cereal doesn’t taste bad,” she remarked. So on to the sugar. “It tastes like salt,” she exclaimed.” Wow, probably because it is…” she said holding back tears from laughing hysterically inside! He got up and was ready to kill me, and I smiled as I walked by him with my baseball bat in hand. I praise God for allowing me to be surrounded by friends that prevented me from using another smaller Angels bat on the bully while he was talking trash to my mother. I walked past him straight to my room, and my friend had told his dad that he thought I was going to do something bad. He went into our house, and passed out drunk on my mother’s sofa. I didn’t go to a juvenile detention center, and our bully tried to come back drunk, and promptly got served a butt whoopin’ by the same man that kept me from hitting Juvy. God is too good. All stories should end well, and have a hero. Live the righteous life imperfect Christian, and God will be your hero, and the final chapter will be a victorious one!

Well brothers and sisters, be blessed with a sunny and peaceful Saturday, and give love, as you are loved, and even when you don’t feel loved. For what greater love do we know than the love that was given to us when He laid His life down for us, now that is a man who knows about the beat down!

Peace Blessings and Joy… That real PB&J

I Can't Feel My Face...

I almost feel bad for the little fella on the left. I actually feel worse for my grand kids, if I am blessed to have some. They will have to endure second generation torment from their father, and grandfather!

My kids are very compassionate, and all of them have big hearts. If someone is feeling down, or under the weather, my kids will do what they can to help lift their spirits and perk them up. Well on Monday night Smiley was sitting in front of the TV messing with some Legos or something, just hanging out. He and his brother had played Need For Speed Go Fast, Crash, and Somethin' or Nother Edition, and at this point it was just time to unwind before bed. We had a big road trip that Tuesday, and he was just chillaxin.' I went into the bedroom put on my long Black silky shorts to get comfy, then went to the bathroom, and said with no hesitation, "Hey the right one came out pretty easy." I had struggled with my contacts for a couple of days at that point, and was getting more frustrated with each day.

Smiley amazed said, "You got it out already dad?"

It had taken me about 3 days to get them out with the last attempt.

I paused for a second and then belted out a grunt from the center of my belly, and then literally screamed! My son just looked up with a deep look of concern. I stumbled out of the bathroom with eyes wide open, and feeling threw the air like I had lost my way...

Smiley sat with his mouth gaping open, and his eyes fixed on my left eye, that had no pupil, just a red spot running from where it used to be. He was frozen in fear. He was truly paralyzed and just sat there! I fell through the kitchen laughing and he finally got up caught his breath and said, while gently placing his hand on my shoulder, "Dad please don't ever do that to me again, I almost wet myself." He was smiling at the time, but his heart was really racing, it was priceless!

OK anyone else with great stories on what pranks they've pulled on their kids are welcomed to comment. Or even better, if you had one of your parents pull one over on you, please share...

Peace and I'm out... Tomorrow at 1pm starts my 3 day extravaganza!